Divorce

Many parents may see divorce as an easy out, but divorce is a big deal for children. To children it is a violent ripping a part of a family, and the lack of stability is frightening. If a child’s parents’ marriage could not last, how will their future marriage ever last? Children whose parents divorce often lose all faith in a having a marriage that is full of love and that can last a lifetime. When looking for a future spouse these children do not feel comfortable asking parents for advice since their marriage obviously did not last. Or when a problem arises within their marriage these children of divorced parents tend to follow the example of their parents and also get a divorce. These are the reasons why children whose parents divorced are more likely to go through a divorce themselves than children whose parents have been together their whole life. Parents who are aware of the negative impact divorce has on children can be more determined to work on their marriage and solve their problems for their children’s sake. Nelson Mandela said, “Children are our greatest treasure. They are the future.” (Mandela). Children will grow up to be future leaders and will contribute to society. In order for society to improve and for the country to stay strong and powerful all depend on what the future generation does when it is in charge. The best way to raise a child who will grow up to make a great impact on society is for that child to be raised by a father and a mother in love and uprightness. The high divorce rate will leave children with emotional problems, and they will in turn affect society because these children will be the ones left to run the country. Does society want to leave the country in the hands of these injured beings? Society needs leaders and citizens who have courage, intelligence, honesty and many other honorable character traits. Divorce effects children who then affect society.

Parenting

I believe the perfect parent is God. All parents should follow His example in scriptures and follow His pattern. One examples is, God knows us by name, He knows and understands, and listens to us. We as parents need to also build a relationship with our children and listen to them so that we can better work with them to solve conflict. Another example is that God has unconditional love for us and is always there, He never pushes us away, rather we remove ourselves from His presence. We will always be our children's parent and we will always be there for them, but that does mean we can go where they are going if they choose the wrong path to follow. The first step to parenting is personal way of being, if we are good citizens and are loving and striving to be like God that is the number one way to get your child to grow up righteous too. Example is the most powerful way we can influence our children and others. I love this quote by President Thomas S. Monson "To you who are parents, I say, show love to your children. You know you love them, but make certain they know it as well. They are so precious. Let them know. Call upon Heavenly Father for help as you care for their needs each day as you deal with challenges which inevitably come with parenthood. You need more than your own wisdom in rearing them." When we have unconditional love for our children and they know that we do we are already becoming better parents.

5 steps to Problem Sloving

1)Soften your start up. 2)Learn to make and receive repair attempts. 3) Soothe yourself and each other. 4) Compromise. 5) Process any grievances so that they don't linger. When settling disagreements it is important to be open to the other person's point of view and to really listen and understand them. This leads to having a productive conversations rather than a yelling match.

Marital Agency

"When choosing a long-term partner...you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you'll be grappling with for the next ten, twenty, or fifty years." Dan Wile. This is what I hear my sister say to me often. When I was getting married she told me I am choosing to marry this imperfect person and at this time of my life and therefore I am choosing all the complications and trials that will come with it. And as we make decisions every day we are therefore choosing their consequences. That means we can also choose how to respond and cope with the consequences and problems we chose.

PORNOGRAPHY FACTS

1) Porn is like a cancer 2) Porn ravages a couples relationship the way a cancer ravages the body (Chamberlain & Steurer, 2011) 3) When he/she goes to porn, he's/she's not going to her/him. 4) Addiction often results from un-managed emotions and relationship pain. 5) Porn acts as a counterfeit for emotional soothing/bonding. 6) Releases dopamine and gives a high but it is temporary-- brain is elastic--needs more--never enough 7) The more one seeks porn, the more isolated and distressed one becomes. 8) Men may want sex, but what they need is emotional closeness and support.

The FOUR Horsemen

These are the four horsemen that every couple needs to watch out for when they speak to each other. 1. Criticism. This is when you are negative about your partners character. You can fix this by showing gratitude and gently correcting. 2. Defensiveness. This is when you blame everything on your partner. You can fix this by taking responsibility and apologizing. 3. Contempt. This is when you have a sense of superiority over your partner. Instead you should be humble and remember you are both equal partners and build appreciation for each other. 3. Stonewalling. This is when you turn away and give your partner the silent treatment. You fix this by doing physiological self-soothing. When you get rid of the four horsemen in your language you can have better communication with your spouse.

Boundaries

This is an often asked question, "what is okay for me to do or for me to hang out with once I get married?" This is a valid question that requires you and your husband to talk and agree about. I know many couples who join Facebook accounts. I think this is great way that really shows that you two are united and that you share everything together. My husband and I do not have joint accounts but he is not much of a Facebooker and I am not so much either any more but we share with each other all the time when we see something funny or someone commented this on my post. We still include each other in our posts and our messages. The only secret you should ever keep from your spouse is there surprise party or Christmas presents. Facebook is a great way to connect with others and how awesome is it that you can have your spouse be with you as you reconnect. If there is a reason you do not want to tell your spouse about the person you are messaging think to yourself why and would you want your spouse to do the same thing. There has been an increase in Facebook infidelities, when people reconnect with old crushes and boy/girlfriends and then leave their families. I am not saying you cannot have a friendly conversation with old friends, but if you do include your spouse in the conversation and be honest with your spouse. Tell them about the person, you history with them and then ask if they are comfortable. If an old guy friend started messaging me I would show my husband what he is saying and how i am responding. I have nothing to hide. It is best to avoid the temptation and conflict completely, this is why I can see joint Facebook accounts being so nice. Right when you get married you are saying everything I do my spouse knows about it. This is not about a lack of trust, as much as my husband may trusts me he does not trust the guy messaging me and he does not know what his intentions may be. In situations where you do have a close friend that is the opposite sex you must remember your spouse should be your BESTEST friend. To those single people who are worried about losing their best friend when they get married, do not think of it as losing a friend but gaining a new one! Your spouse should be the person you confide in and never talk negatively about him to any of your girl or guy friends, or mothers. Lady's, I don't know aout you but I know I would tell my mom everything. She was the person I could talk to about anything, relationships, school, religion. And I still talk to my mom about so much stuff, but I do not talk to her about marital conflict. I know my mom would always pick my side and I never want her to have a reason to feel negative towards my husband. Often times we tend to talk only about what is troubling, we rarely call back and tell them the solution and how super in love we are with our husband. Something I really appreciated from my mother in law was that she told us to never come to her about an argument. We are both her children now and she will not pick sides. What is troubling you two is up to you two to fix. This helps us work and problem solve together and figure things out as a couple. Each marriage is unique and going to other couples will not always benefit your marriage, what works for one may not work for the other. You two are in this thing together and communicating and being honest with each other will help you make and stay within your boundaries.

Lets talk about sex

I know this is a topic most people find awkward, or gross, or dirty but it shouldn't be. Yes sex is intimate and sacred, that does not mean it should be a secret or a bad thing. It is a beautiful and holy act that many people may not know much about. I will begin with saying men and women are different, although they both must go through the 4 phases of sex to be fulfilled. Those phases are excitement, plateau, orgasm(climax) and resolution. Men go through these phases faster than women, that does not mean it is more pleasing to men than women. Women enjoy sex just as much as men, sometimes more, crazy right?!?! Women need to warm up and kind of get into their sexy character, you must remember women take on many roles during a day, the mother, the good house wife, the soccer mom, and the sexy bride. Men listen to your wife as she talks about the day, this is how she rids of all the stress and worries from all the roles she had played throughout the day. She cannot jump right into it like you men, our brains are thinking about so many things at once, whereas men are much better at focusing at one thing at a time. Also men take note first, in order for women to enjoy sex she must feel safe and loved. Let me tell you about the love cycle. I will begin with women. Women need to feel loved before they can enjoy sex. How does she feel loved, well each women is different and has a different love language. I recommend taking the 5 love language quiz in order to figure out your and your partner's love language. An examples is quality time. Listen to her and spend time with her in order to bond and know each other. Another example is service. Doing the dishes or folding the laundry can really go along way. Once a women's love tank is full she will be willing to express her love for you by having sex. When men have sex they feel loved and then will want to return showing love by doing things for her. It is a beautiful cycle of showing and feeling love. See, this sex talk wasn't so bad. I think people stress too much on the actual act when really we should be focusing on what leads to the act and how it can be more fulfilling. Sex was not only meant for making babies, but also to express love for each other. Sex is a great tool to unite a husband and wife and help them become as ONE!

Proposals & Weddings

He's popped the question and now you're planning the wedding that you have dreamed about since you were 10! Today everyone wants the biggest ring, biggest proposal with millions of views, and the biggest wedding that people talk about for ever. But are these things overshadowing what really matters. A ring is a symbol of you love and commitment to each other not just a piece of jewelry you show off to your friends and family. The proposal may be great to have on video but does it take away the privacy, and intimacy of the moment. If the proposal is so public does it pressure her into saying yes or does she sincerely mean it and does he sincerely mean it or does he want to show off how clever and romantic he is. I adore the way my husband proposed to me. It was just me, him and a beautiful view when he got down on one knee and surprised me with the ring. It was a special and genuine moment we shared together. Three was no outsiders influencing him to ask the question or how I should answer. Our wedding was also very cheap, simple, and beautiful. Family and friends helped with food, photos, decoration, the cakes. No matter how nice the reception was nothing could compare to where we got married and were sealed for all eternity, which was also free ;). The most important thing should be the union between a man and women becoming husband and wife because in 1, 5, 10 years people aren't going to remember every detail of the wedding, but they will remember your marriage. They won't remember your colors, but they will remember how beautiful a couple you two make. Weddings are fun events, but the funest part is being married to the person you love.

Dating

What is the purpose of dating? The purpose to date is to develop sorting, selecting, and social skills. Today we see less dating and more hanging out, is there a difference between dating and hanging out? I think so. Hanging out is more casual, no one is paired off, there is no set thing to do, and there is no commitment necessary. A date is intentional, planned out, thoughtful, and you are paired off, and paid for. We may be developing the same skills by hanging out, like social skills, but how can we learn our preference of the type we would like to date if we never go on dates with a variety of different people. High school is the, and best time to date around with many people and get a feel of what you like, dislike, turns you on, turns you off, and the qualities you would like in your future spouse. High school is not the time to date exclusively because you are not looking for someone to marry but looking for characteristics you want the person you will marry to have and not have. Dating prepares men for when they become husbands and wives can see if the guy they are dating has the skills to be good husband and father. How??? Well 3 things men are excepted to do in the home are Preside, Protect, and Provide. And when a guy goes on a date he Planned, Paired off, and he Paid for it, he is showing he can preside, protect, and provide. Planning is like presiding because he is showing he is organized and has leadership skills. Pairing off shows he can protect because we are his date for the night and he is responsible to take care of us and bring us home safely. Paying for the date whether with money, or time shows he can provide because he is using his resources to accommodate for the date. Dating is purposeful and beneficial for both people on the date.

POWER OF LABELS

The greatest blessing we were given was agency. We chose what to do, what to wear, who to marry. We each have our own personality and temperament but we are not born LGBT2. It is the environment we are in that affects who we are attracted to. Growing up it is important to be accepted by our peers. Usually in elementary school girls hang out with girls and boys hang out with boys. Well what if a boy was born and has a more nurturing, caring, and calmer disposition and so the rest of the boys reject him because he isn't crazy and dirty. The boy then hangs out with the girls who play to his style. This does not make him a girl. Boys can still be boys if they act a little feminine. And girls are still girls even if they act like tomboys. In adolescent year girls becomes attracted to boys because they are exotic and different. This is when the boy who hangs out with the girls begins to feel confused. The ones who rejected him are have an exotic feel and he becomes interested in them. This does not mean he is physically attracted to them in any way. When children then start to label the boy as gay, even if he isn't, girls won't date him because they heard he was gay and the guys will especially not hang out with him. So who accepts this boy? The gays accept him and hang out with him and make him feel like he belongs. He may learn to be happy being gay, but he will never be as happy as he could be if the boys accepted him and people didn't label him just by what he likes. How many women want a husband who is caring, sympathetic, communicates well, is in touch with his emotions, and is nurturing. Yet he is automatically label him as gay because these are feminine attributes. We are losing applicants of who could be amazing husbands and fathers. Labels are very effective and can influence a person how they look at themselves. If you are labeled as the ugly fat girl, even if you aren't, sooner or latter you will become, or see yourself as ugly and fat because it seems no matter what that is what you are now. Same can go the opposite way. If you are known as the beautiful girl you believe that is what you are and you always have to look perfect with your hair and make up, because if you aren't beautiful than who are you? We shape into our labels. We should not call people the gay one, smart one, or ugly one because that is what they will be known for and who they will become, not because they were born that way but because we labeled them that way. We should accept everyone for who they are and look/admire all the great qualities they have and guide them to become who they really are, not what we think they are.

FAMILY STATUS

Does the definition of the family change according to their social status or culture. Robert and Jeanette Laurer define marriage as "a group united by marriage of cohabitation, blood, and/or adoption in order to satisfy intimacy needs and/or bear and socialize children." (Marriage & Family 8th edition). Although the definition of family doesn't change each family member is affected by the family's socioeconomic status. This status is based off of the family's culture, money, lineage, job, or where they live or are from. No matter where we grow up we can overcome the stereotypes and labels and be good citizens who contribute to society or improve our socioeconomic status for a better life for our future family. There may be no best socioeconomic status for our children, it is all about how the parents raise them to be good people. We all have the right to pursue happiness. No matter our status or labels placed upon us, we can become who we want to become. It doesn't matter where we are from, it's all about what we gained/learned from it and what we are going to do with that knowledge. We all come from different families, but we all have the same amount of worth. I AM NO BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE AND NOBODY IS BETTER THAN ME!

Family Solar System

I know many parents, especially mothers, believe that your children should come first but reality is your spouse should be the one who comes first. It is important to pay attention and spend time with your children but it must be balanced with spending just as much alone time with your spouse. Doherty says in his book Take Back Your Marriage, "I know we did one thing well: we taught our children that we valued our marriage without devaluing them, that more for us meant more for them, that we were mates before we were parents, and that in the solar system of our family, our marriage was the sun and the children the planets, rather than the other way around." When children see their parents together and going on dates that makes them feel safe. Children want to know that their parents relationship is secure. Of course your children will beg for your attention all the time and parents should not neglect them, but parents can not neglect their spouse either. We all deserve time and affection not only from our children but from our spouse as well.

RAM

The five different Bonding techniques in romantic relationships. 1)Knowledge. Knowing your partner. 2)Trust. Trust your partner. 3)Reliance. You can rely on them. 4)Commitment. You are committed to them and the relationship. 5)Touch. sexual and nonsexual physical touch. It is most beneficial when a relationship contains all five of these. Without one you still have the other four to lean on as you work on what you are missing. However if your relationship is only built on touch what will happen when you get in a fight? You do not feel like touching because you are frustrated. You don't have knowledge or trust or anything else to keep your relationship together. When you and your spouse bond in all five of theses way you have the best recipe for a romantic relationship and successful marriage.

History of Marriage

In the Middle Ages marriages were not formed by love but by political and economic gain, usually through arrangement of parents. The phrase "Madly in love" was a literal term. People believed you were mad if you felt love towards your spouse. Gradually over the years men and women have been given more freedom to choose who they marry, and therefore changed the reasons for getting married. Personal interest and satisfaction has grown to be very important in marriage. I agree romantic love is very important in marriage, but have people taken in it too far? John Gray said, "We demand and deserve lasting happiness, intimacy and passion with a single partner. If we don't get it, we are prepared to sacrifice the marriage; personal fulfillment is suddenly more important than the family unit. . . . Are we to turn back the clock and deny our own personal needs and suddenly make the family more important? In most cases, the solution is not divorce nor is it self-sacrifice. Instead, the answer lies in learning how to create relationships and marriages that support our personal fulfillment." (Fowers)

The TRUTH to Happiness in Marriages

"I have become convinced that the strength and the happiness of good marriages are both rooted in the partners' mutual commitment to the creation of a shared life. The best marriages are characterized by partnership. The spouses work together to create the kind of life that they see as worthwhile. In such a marriage, the happiness and love that we see are at least as much an outgrowth of the spouses' partnership as the origin of it. In our society, we do not usually think of happiness as something that follows from commitment and teamwork. We want to pursue it directly. But happiness is an emotion, and all emotions, by their nature, are fleeting. Letting our hopes rest primarily on feelings that come and go is a recipe for an unstable marriage." -- Blaine J. Fower Beyond the Myth of Marital Happiness This quote says so much! Both partners need to be committed to the relationship. You have to work together to create the married life you want. In your marriage you will experience many emotions and they all won't be happy, that does not mean you do not have a good marriage or that you can't get back to being happy. In fact you will be even more happy in love knowing that even through the hardship and tribulation you two are committed and can make through any circumstance or trial thrown at you!

My Family System from My Perspective

Have you ever noticed in your family how there are unspoken rules? Like when you know where your mom and dad hide the Christmas presents every year but you don't go looking at them because you learned that's just not what you are suppose to do. Each family has unspoken rules and each family has a system and each family member contributes differently to this system. There are also subsystems within your family system. I will compare my family system to a cheese burger. Subsystem 1: The top bun was Dad as he presided in our home and provided shelter for us! Mom was the bottom bun, she held the family together and provided support to all of us Subsystem 2: Stephen, Philip, and Jimmy are the meat patties. They are the 3 oldest and were always grouped together. They were a major help to mom and dad in taking care of the rest of us growing up. Subsystem 3: Dan, Tim, And Peter are the middle children and what comes in the middle of the sandwich??? Veggies! They are the tomato, onion, and pickles because they each add different perspective like the veggies add a different texture and flavor. They are also very good at fixing things whether its stuff around the house or technology, just like veggies are the fixings in a sandwich. Subsystem 4: Julie is the cheese because when she came along she was the only girl surrounded by boys and added a totally different vibe to the family system. She is the cheese to what use to be just a burger. She takes care of everyone and keeps everybody connected. Subsystem 5: Paul, John and Michael, are the sauces of the sandwich; mayo, ketchup, and mustard. They are funny, messy and full of their own flavor. Subsystem 6: Then there is me! I think I am the bacon. I come in last and added the best flavor to the sandwich and made everyone happy.

Key points on MARRIAGE!

Here are some key points I learned this week about marriage: 1) Marriage joins you both in the sight of God 2) Love comes from you, marriage comes from God 3) Male and females are a perfect fit to complete each other, what one lacks the other makes up for 4) Husband and wife strengthen each other 5) The Proclamation is inspired doctrine

This week on Family Relations

This week I learned that the birth rate in America and many other countries are declining. This may not seem that surprising but the effects it will have on society is very interesting. The decrease in birth is decreasing the world population. Some might say this is what we were striving for, that there are too many people on this planet. However it has been proven that every one on earth today could all fit into the state of Texas with an acre of land to live on. There is enough land on this earth to go around for everyone. Despite this revelation that we should not worry about over population we should also notice the importance of having children not only because they bless your life as parents, but they also bless society. Children carry on the values and beliefs of their parents and can continue making the culture they grew up in alive and improve it. God wants us to have children, He will provide for us! I have always known I wanted kids but knowing I am bringing forth God's children into this world it feels like a greater purpose. I feel important and see what a sacred duty it is to have children and raise them in righteousness. I want to provide a loving home for as many of God's children as I can. The Lord will bless you and your family as you have children and teach them the gospel. I am providing a link of inspirational quotes from Prophets on the matter of having children. I know in our struggles of having a family we will be blessed because the family is ordained of God. He loves us and wants the best for all of His children. Here is a pic of most of my family. A lot of my siblings with their spouse and families... but still not all of them. I love my big family and I know my parents are so proud of all of us and who we have become! I am the youngest of 12 and I have about 30 nephews and nieces with more to come!

What is Family?

I am so grateful for the family I was born in to. I have learned so much from my parents and siblings and it is because of them I am the way I am. I hope to raise my children with the same values and love I was raised with. Family is so important to me and to society. I hope my blog will benefit others in their efforts of learning and creating a successful family that will bring them eternal happiness!

The first of many

I suppose an introduction is in order. I am Christine Schmidt. I have been married for a year now. My husband's name is Cody and I am sure I will talk a lot about him and our experiences. I'll just post some pictures of us here since we are so dang cute! haha enjoy :)